I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
