So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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