I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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