i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize