i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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