there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
