Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
