last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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