I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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