My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
