All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
