His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
