Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
