dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
