It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
