I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
