Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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