I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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