between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
