I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
