saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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