shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
