: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Randomize
