To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize