you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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