Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
