when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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