I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
