woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
