Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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