soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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