Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
