Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
