Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
