TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
