just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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