Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
