dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
