I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
