How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
