dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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