I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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