Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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