The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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