So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
