After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
