I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize