I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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