How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
