All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
