I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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