The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
