Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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