We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
