I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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