a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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