So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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