I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
