Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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