I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
