I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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