It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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