I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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