I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
