I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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